From the STUPID files

Hi, I live in a major metropolitan area and I do ridiculous things.  The following is courtesy of the Miami Herald.

1. A thief stole a man’s wallet while he was at a club at 3875 Shipping Ave. on June 27. The man said a dancer asked him to remove his wallet from his front pocket because it was bothering her. He placed it on a chair and when he returned for it, found the wallet missing.  FAIL.  Your wallet wasn’t stolen, you gave it away.  PS, it’s a strip club.
2. A thief made off with a city of Miami garbage can outside a house in the 1700 block of Southwest 18th Street on July 1.  FAIL.  Who steals garbage cans?!?!
3. A thief stole a man’s wallet from his shoes while he was playing football at Shenandoah Park, 1800 SW 21st Ave. on June 23.  FAIL.  It’s the 305, MI-YAYO.  You do NOT leave your wallet anywhere not in your pocket and expect it to be there when you get back.
4. Someone stole a city of Miami garbage can from a house in the 1900 block of Southwest 16th Street on June 30.  FAIL.  See #2.
5. Somebody stole a purse from an unlocked car in the 900 block of Genoa Street between 3:30 and 3:45 p.m. July 18. Purse left in car. FAIL.  Purse left in unlocked car.  Bigger FAIL. 
6. A burglar stole a television, a DVD player, clothes, shoes, frozen meat, two purses and DVDs after breaking a bedroom window at a house in the 17300 block of Southwest 99th Court between 9 p.m. July 23 and 2 p.m. July 24. The items were valued at $4,125. Damage was estimated at $100.  Damn, times are rough.  A burglar stole frozen meat.  If it thawed before he got home, then FAIL.

Really, it just keeps going…

Sometimes, there is quiet

Not always in Miami, of course, but today, in my house, there is peace.
I hope you Sunday brings you peace as well. More madness tomorrow.

Hi, my name is Bob and I’m addicted to my cell phone

Here’s a classic headline: Fumes overcome 7 at cellphone rehab center

So…who goes to cellphone rehab?

• Teenagers being punished, maybe….they go into serious withdrawl if they can’t send 2000 text messages a month.
• New iPhone users (myself included) who can’t tear themselves away from Super Monkey Ball.
• Anyone else?  Questions and comments are welcomed.

Okay, so they’re actually rehabbing the cell phones.  Fine, I get it.  But it’s just another example of the fine journalism <ahem> down here.

At your own risk

Ladies.

Coming to South Beach?  Stay in groups.  Of course, it’s not just here, but pay attention to your surroundings!!  Take this woman, for instance, who should have taken this advice:

Someone sexually battered a woman and then threw a substance on her face as she walked from one South Beach hot spot to another early Tuesday, according to police.

While Miami Beach cops are not specifying what exactly was thrown, local television reports say it was cocaine.

Yup, safety is priority one down here!

Mug shot!

• So, apparently, Mr. Earl Simmons, who can’t seem to stay out of trouble, got arrested once more just recently.  Take a moment, and have a look at his website.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Now, have a look at his mug shot.  Wow!  Looks like he got the crap kicked out of him.  See what PhotoShop can do for you?  Unfortunately, I think DMX is gonna end up in a not so good place.  All that money and he just can’t use it wisely.  What a shame.
• You’d think that, with the proximity to the “beautiful people” and South Beach, that fashion would be forward and stay that way, but oh no, it just is not to be.  Apparently, yet another trend of the 80s is making its way back.  Cutoff jeans.  Dude.  Gross.  You know, I’ll let it slide on women as long as you’re not trying to squeeze 10 pounds of sausage into a 5 pound casing, but please, men, DON’T DO IT!  Thank you.
• Oh, Shaq.  He of true Fu-Schnick fame.  Of basketball and crappy movie fame.  Of questionable rap fame.  This last one is a classic.  Did you really say “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.”   First, that’s just foul (good thing you don’t have to take the shot), second, it’s freaking hysterical.  I think Kobe’s crying right now.
• This is how bad the economy is getting.  From the police blotter: Police arrested a man and woman on a charge of theft after trying to steal shampoo, deodorant and conditioner from CVS pharmacy, 5795 SW 72nd St., between 9:30 a.m. and noon June 10.  When people don’t have enough money to stay clean, something’s WRONG!

Enough of Miami for today.  Still searching for that picture that captures it all.  Till later.

 

First Monday of summer in the MIA

Is really no different than any other day because it’s sorta summer all year long here.  Or, at the least, it’s pretty damn warm almost all year long.  Let’s see who gets the early crazy of the day award.

No, first, let’s take a moment and pay our respects to George Carlin.  That man was just hysterical.  I think I first heard his seven words you can’t say on TV when I was about 10.  It was funny then, it’s funny now.  RIP Mr. Carlin.  Your legend lives on.

Lots going on down here:

• Blackjack has arrived in one of the largest casinos down here.  Soon, we’ll have no need to go to Vegas since that same casino also has slot machines.  I’m only good for penny and nickel slots because I’m cheap and easily amused.  Poker is more my card game, but I wouldn’t be above throwing down some cash for a little BJ.  HA!
• Maybe you’ve seen how some folks feel about Jeb Bush.  I’ve not been able to experience his whole term but I do know that this standardized testing called the FCAT was his baby.  My personal opinon is that the FCAT is just flat out retarded.  It’s simply a waste of time wherein students could be learning things that they actually need rather than studying for a test that means absolutely nothing outside of the state of Florida.  The system overall is kinda screwy here.  Remember gym class?  Yeah, my child doesn’t because it’s not required.  How is GYM not required?!?!  Do we really wonder why we have an obesity problem?  Anyways, Jeb headed up a big ole meeting in Orlando.  See this story’s comments to see how south Florida feels about our boy.
• Politics, in general, in Florida, south Florida specifically are a mess.  It’s so depressing that I can’t even go into it.  It seems to be (note I said SEEMS) a plethora of corruption and disease.  Shame really.  An opinion writer from the Herald has an interesting view.  Feel free to read it here.

Maybe I’ll get to add more later along with a great photo or two from what’s shaking on Miami Beach today.  Until then, love me…er, love each other.

Today, from the Weird Files

“Dade man charged in ‘pumping party’ sting”

In a nutcase, I mean nutshell, this guy got arrested for illegally practicing medicine.  And what exactly was he doing?  Getting women to gather in homes or hotel rooms where he would then inject silicone into their asses to make them bigger.  You just can’t tell me that Miami isn’t awesome.

 

 

Welcome to The Land of the Odd

I think I will use this space to inform you of the happenings of Miami and Miami Beach.  Let’s start the day with a couple of articles.

• This story regales the genius that is FPL (Florida Power & Light for those of you not in the know) and their choice for sub-contractors.  That’s really plastered on the highway kids.  And not just once…FOUR times!

That’s it for now, but stay tuned for higher levels of absolute stupidity brought to you by the city of Miami and its surrounding burbs.